Ask The Expert was conducted Thursday, August 30th at 5 pm with Rande and Tonya.

Lisa Tuner, SWH On-line Editor:  I've been looking forward to this 'Ask The Expert' session all summer!  A big welcome to two of my favorite speakers, Tonya Leslie and Rande Bynum, to Speaking of Women's Health's 'Ask The Expert' monthly web feature.  As Tonya and Rande have worked with Speaking of Women's Health this year, I've decided that, although you two are young women, you have the wisdom of grandmothers!  You always know what to say to girls and teens. 

Question 1:  I recently found out that my 14-year-old daughter started her period. However, my daughter was not the one to tell me about this huge milestone in her life. My daughter's best friend’s mother told me that my daughter has started her period during a casual conversation. How do I tell my daughter I know about this change? Why would she not feel comfortable coming to me when this happened?

Answers: TL: Sometimes it is hard for girls to talk about the new changes going on in their bodies. They may feel a mix of emotions and anxiety. Open the dialogue with your daughter using examples from the TRUE YOU book. Tell her about your first period. Shop for products together and talk to her about how to manage this new stage in her life. But don’t get mad at her for sharing this information with someone else. What you want to build for your daughter is the understanding that you are her most valuable resource.

RB: You are right Tonya - a great way to start the conversation with your daughter about her period and other milestones is to check out activity #10 "It’s A Date" in the TRUE YOU! workbook. You can download the book at www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop. The activity will allow your daughter to mark the important dates in her life and give her a chance to celebrate them. You may also want to help her with the new choices in her life. And a simple shopping trip can allow you to discuss everything from skin care to feminine products together.

Question 2: I have three girls ages 11, 8 and 3 years old. What can I do on a daily basis to promote healthy self-esteem? My oldest girl is overweight and if often reminded by family and friends that she is BIG. My oldest is also obsessed with wanting to wear braid extensions. I told her if God wanted her to have long hair she would have had it. What can I do and when is the right time to talk about boys and their developing bodies, do you recommend a particular book? Thanks.

RB: For your oldest daughter set an example of healthy self-esteem by offering healthy meal choices and planning and participating in family activities. Take time with her to look at images in magazines and other media. Explain that the images are "manufactured beauty" and then show her examples of real beauty. "Sticking-up" for her to family and friends is supportive as is pointing out her healthy habits to her frequently. Our book TRUE YOU! is a [www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop] great book to download for all your girls.

TL: TRUE YOU! is a great way to start talking to girls about self-esteem and to open the dialogue between mother’s and daughters. As an advocate for your girls, I suggest you get involved in your daughter’s weight issue. Are you making sure she has a large option of healthy snacks in the house to choose from? Are you making sure that she stays active? Find ways to bond with your daughter around healthy choices. For example, maybe an evening bike ride or a stroll together could be a way to get your daughter active and to check in on her day. Make sure that you are modeling healthy habits for her. As far as the braid extensions, talk to you daughter. Changing your hair can be a fun expression of style and self. Ask your daughter what appeals to her about braid extensions. Maybe you can compromise. I often remind moms how important it is for girls at this age to "express" themselves. Braid extensions might be a harmless way for your daughter to experiment with developing her own style.

Question 5: I have a 20-year-old daughter with horrible hygiene habits! I look back on my teen years and I remember being similar (but not nearly as bad) for about a year and then snapped out of it….

She has horrible underarm odor. The smell is in all of her clothes no matter how you wash them! I’ve tried to talk to her about it – to no avail.

Just this morning, we got up to go to work – I woke her up several times - she gets up, gets dress, brushed her teeth, wiped her face (not washed), wiped…put on her shoes and in five minutes was ready to go?!!! I asked her "are you not going to wash anything?!!" I washed up last night???? I told her she needed to jump in the shower or wash up (she didn’t)…

What is THAT! My husband and I bath everyday … sometimes twice. I do realize I went through a similar stage – but she’s 20 – this is ridiculous – how do I talk to her on this subject… She just got a new job where she will be working very closely with the public (PT) I would love to save her the embarrassment of being confronted on this issue at work.

RB: Your daughter may need to feel the sting of embarrassment from her peers to begin to change. Take time to talk to her about what is going on in her life. Some youth hide behind clothes, behavior or in this case hygiene so that they do not have to participate. Start paying attention to what is going on with her and listening to her about what she may be hiding from.

TL: I totally agree with Rande! Is your daughter tired and stressed out from other issues that may cause her to take less care of herself? Are there any issues going on that would cause your daughter to put less value in her appearance (a break up with a boyfriend for example)? Is there a medical problem or medicine that she is taking that may change her body odor? Talk to your daughter about what’s going on in her life. Then try "celebrating" her new job with a trip to the drug store. Ask her about the types of products she likes and needs. Maybe she doesn’t want to spend her money on it, but will be glad if you do! Turn the trip into a reward for her new job, and maybe it will motivate her to continue to use the products and take more care of herself.

RB: Check out TRUE YOU! activity # 10 "It’s a Date" [www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop] for some ideas. We have heard of everything from tea parties to shopping trips. Other ideas could include craft making or volunteering.

Question 7:  My daughter is 4 ½ and has unfortunately inherited the fun of leg hair from her parents. While I do not think it’s necessary to do anything now, and it’s not bad at the moment, I can foresee an issue with this in the coming years. At what point is it prudent or advisable to treat her leg hair? Kids can be mean and she will get teased down the road, I’m quite sure.

TL: I have a friend who has very hairy arms. She learned the hard way that shaving them wasn’t the solution. Now she just lets them be. Make sure you don’t project your issues on your daughter. Leg hair issues that plagued you as a teen might roll off her back. Instill in your daughter that beauty is about who you are, not what you are. Then, when the day comes that her hairy legs bother her, you can address them. But don’t worry about it—until she does.

RB: I agree with Tonya, this may not be an issue for your daughter, so don’t have her at such a young age begin to think about it. When she is old enough to ask about it share some of your own experiences (even the embarrassing ones) and your solutions. Role-play together how to handle teasing and of course ensure her that she is beautiful. See TRUE YOU! [www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop] activity #8 Role-Play and activity #4 about her body – when she is ready.

Question 8: I am the mother of a 13-year-old teenage girl whom will be 14 in November. She is heavily into sports and plays soccer for an elite soccer team. She is 5'5" tall and weighs about 165. I am 5'4" 1/2 and I weigh about 158. My daughter is starting to skip meals and taking an interest in joining Weight Watchers when I join. I try to stress to her about healthy eating instead of skipping meals and portion sizes. How do I help her with this process without my daughter becoming compulsive about dieting?

RB: Choosing a lifestyle program –such as Weight Watchers or a hospital-guided nutrition and fitness program verses a diet for yourself is a good way to set a positive example about healthy eating. Ensure your daughter that she is very active and her body is changing. She may want to try different activities for toning and others such as yoga for stretching and relaxing. Soon her body will be the gem she will love. Check out Fun & Not So Fun Facts about Puberty in activity #5 in TRUE YOU! [www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop]

TL: Remember, teens watch what you do. You are worried about weight, so your daughter is worried about weight. Before you join an organization focused on weight loss, why not bond with your daughter and focus on fitness. Make the emphasis healthy eating—not weight loss. Go on grocery outings with your daughter so she can give input on the food choices for the family. Work together to build healthy family menus that will give her the energy she needs for her sports and will ultimately give you low calorie choices that will help you lose weight.

RB: Teenage years can be messy and difficult. Offer your daughter new options to let off steam such as a kick boxing class, yoga or a youth group. Try using a "shared journal" as a unique way to communicate and a way to take a break from outburst.

TL: Girls do go through a range of emotions and I always tell moms they will need a tool kit of resources to help them manage this difficult time. But whatever you do, don’t ignore it--especially if outbursts become disrespectful. Find time to talk to your daughter about what is going on in her life. Why is she nervous? Why is she crying? Is she having problems with boys? Friends? Make your house a safe haven for your daughter and her friends. Invite them over to hang out and then listen and watch. What are they talking about? Is there a situation that may need adult intervention? What girls really need at this time is patience, but they also sometimes need a listening ear.

TL: Body image isn’t always linked to weight and figure. Your daughter may wish for bigger hips, smaller breasts or something else that really can’t be fixed with activities. Maybe she needs a shopping adventure to help her accentuate what she has and make her feel better about her overall image. Talk to your daughter to find out what it is exactly that makes her feel stressed.

RB: Try doing activities not labeled as "ones to get your in shape" may to the trick. Dancing, roller-skating, hiking, tag, gardening or walking the dog are a few. Talk to your daughter about how her body is supposed to change at this point in her life. Maybe understanding the "science" of it all will help her get through it.

Question 11: I have three grand daughters that are approaching their teenage years. I am interested in helping young black girls avoid unplanned pregnancies. What do you suggest? I have a youth center around the corner from where I live and have offered to help lead a group to help the situation.

TL: Start talking to your preteens now about choices. What are the options for them if they choose to be sexuality active? What resources are available? But also talk to them about life options. What are their visions for their life? What kind of adult do they want to be? Where do they see themselves? Sometimes, when girls articulate their future, they make the choices that help them get there. Whether it’s a choice to delay sexual activity or a choice to use contraception each time. Help your preteens develop their life plans and talk to them about the choices they will need to make along the way.

RB: A youth center is a great place to start. Many organizations such as Girls Inc and Planned Parenthood have great activities and speakers about teen pregnancy. For your part empowering your granddaughters with good decision-making and communication skills will arm them when the time comes to make a choice. Building their self-esteem through praise and support of course gives them a good foundation. The fact that you are asking questions about their future is great beginning for them as well.

RB: TRUE YOU! [www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/workshop] has some great activities for girls as young as 6 years old to become aware of their bodies. You can start dialog as she asks questions from the activities. Also talk to her physician; make sure it is someone that you both are comfortable with, so that she has an additional source to get reliable information.

Question: 13 What is the best way to teach my daughter about using makeup and other personal hygiene items?

RB: Doing a consumer awareness-shopping trip is a fun way to discuss products and choices. Share with her what products you use and why. Practice at home using some product samples. Remember the awful eye shadow or lipstick you may have had in high school, as she makes mistakes in her choices and finds her own style.